How long will we "let boys be boys"?

At the beginning of September, I attended the Human Development and Capabilities Association conference in The Hague, The Netherlands. Martha Nussbaum, one of the founding presidents of the association and one of the foremost philosophers on the capability approach, gave an engaging and thought-provoking keynote address on “Women and the Internet: Objectification and Human Capabilities.”

Much of the harassment and objectification occuring online is by men and boys. Nussbaum argues that the anonymity of posting degrading comments, pictures, and defaming stories of women is a way for many men to turn the fantasy of violence against women into reality because they are not just observing it but actually inflicting it. Boys and men who feel shame and out of control turn that shame outward because they do not learn a language to name their emotions and fears. It is easy to dismiss the aggression against women on the Internet as pathological, or call the perpetrators of such aggression "nuts;" but in reality, it is a reflection of a cultural phenomenon of violence against women.

We often talk about redefining feminity; taking control of our own sex and gender and not letting men define us as women. What I really appreciated about Nussbaum's discourse is that, if we are ever to achieve gender harmony, and really end the violence and exploitation of women, we need to redefine masculinity. Although it is difficult - some would say near impossible - for parents to counteract the pervasive culture of male aggression, it is time to take an intentional stand against the laissez-faire attitude of "boys will be boys." Nussbaum suggests, as a starting point, that we change the connotation of "strength" (a trait often associated with men); instead of equating strength with dominance, we need to teach our sons that strength is, in fact, respect and compassion.

As a parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, teacher, mentor, or friend, how can we change our expectations of and attitudes toward the boys around us, so they grow up to show this new strength? I invite you to reflect on this and contribute to the conversation!

My husband Charlie and me in
The Hague for the HDCA Conf