#WhyIStayed and Victim Shaming

Recently, video footage was released that showed Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice assaulting his then-fiancée (now wife), Janay Palmer, in an elevator this past February. The video has lead to Rice's release from the Ravens and indefinite suspension from the NFL (which he is appealing), and sparked two social outcries.

The first criticism circling through the media is regarding the NFL's delayed/lack of action against Rice until the widespread viewing of the footage, and the subsequent accusation that their lax policies on domestic violence are directly allowing such abuse to continue. A valid argument with many supporting examples that demands to be addressed, but this isn't the platform to delve into that conversation.

The purpose of this post is to highlight the second major criticism, one that is not at all unique to the NFL or even domestic violence: victim blaming/shaming.

Victim blaming occurs whenever the victim of a crime or abuse or other wrongdoing is held responsible, at least in part, for the actions of the perpetrator. Have you heard the claim that a woman who has been raped shouldn't have been wearing such a short dress? Or that a store owner who was robbed brought it on himself because he forgot to lock the door? Or recently, when celebrities' intimate photos were stolen and leaked online that those individuals should have been more careful where they stored such personal files? All absurd claims. All victim blaming. The ONLY person responsible for a crime is the person who committed it.

Let me be very clear. If someone hurts you, be it physically, verbally, emotionally (including use of manipulation) or otherwise, it is not your fault. You are not culpable for the actions of others. Period.

After the video of Rice and Palmer surfaced, a lot of people started speaking out with statements like, “I can't believe she still married him after that” and “Well, she lunged at him before he hit her, so it's partially her fault.” No. It's not Palmer's fault that Rice, a very strong professional athlete, struck her so hard that she fell unconscious to the floor and had to be dragged out of the elevator, completely limp. I don't care what they were arguing about. I don't care if he'd had a rough day. I don't care if she said something that hurt his feelings. His behavior was unacceptable and was also 100% not her fault. Ray Rice is the sole individual in charge of what his own fists do and don't hit.

As the shaming amped up, Beverly Gooden decided she needed to respond. As a former victim of domestic abuse, she understands the nuances involved in a relationship involving violence, and knew she needed to spread some awareness. So she headed over to Twitter and began sending out reasons for #WhyIStayed. The hashtag took off, with people all over contributing their own stories of why they stayed in a violent situation. If you want to read some of those, I'd encourage you to start with this article. Stories include elements of fear, manipulation, believing they deserved the abuse, love for their partners. They reveal the complexities of relationships and how it's not a simple matter of just walking away. There are multiple layers to any such situation, and it's not always clear how to best handle them – and that's assuming the victim can even recognize they are being abused and acknowledge they should be treated differently.

Why does this topic belong on a blog written by a counter-trafficking organization? Because these same tactics – fear, manipulation, physical restraint, threatening loved ones or children – are used by traffickers to control their victims. Additionally, many victims of trafficking believe they are in love with their abusers. They often willingly enter into a relationship with the trafficker, seeing him or her as a boyfriend or girlfriend, seeking love and acceptance and approval they've previously been denied, not realizing they are being prepped for exploitation. By the time the abuse sets in, victims can't see it, can't cope with it, won't accept or address it, and will deny that it is even an issue.

So, then, when an outsider makes the statement of, “Why doesn't she just leave?” it's not only insensitive, it's also ignorant. Think of the bond created between lovers, and the devotion that develops as the relationship strengthens. You're committed to that person, and willing/desirous to see life through with them, no matter what. Those same elements still exist when domestic violence or trafficking occurs. Those desires to please your significant other, to work out whatever “struggles” arise, to overcome “challenges” your relationship may face. When struggles and challenges take the form of abuse, the bond/devotion/love doesn't just go away.

That's also why so many victims return to their traffickers. The emotional connection they feel and the elements of fear/manipulation engrained in them keep pulling them back. Until we can understand that, at least on a logical level if not an empathetic one, we cannot begin to offer any real relief from abuse. The psychological hold is a difficult one to break, worse than any substance addiction you might experience.

So the next time you see someone locked into a cycle of abuse, don't respond with condemnation and accusation. Unless you've been there yourself, you have no idea what they're going through. Let's stop blaming victims for the actions of their abusers and adding yet another element of guilt on top of their already-weighty emotional state. Whatever you think about Janay Palmer's decision to go through with her marriage to Ray Rice and to stand by him as he appeals his suspension, you're looking at the situation as an outsider. Try to remember that.

(Domestic Violence Fact Sheet)

The Importance of a Learning Spirit

My husband, Charlie, and I recently met with two social entrepreneurs from Australia. They are interested in replicating their social enterprise cafés in Cambodia, as a transitional employment and training venture for survivors of trafficking and exploitation. So much of our conversation was inspiring and interesting that I thought it was important to share it with the community.


Their original idea was to run a four-story center, including a large café, a training center, and housing for their employees. As we discussed the implications of sustainability for their business in Cambodia, adaptation to the original plan was already in effect. 

Although the lead person on this project works for an NGO, he is first and foremost a businessman. He identifies greatly with Chab Dai’s ethos on collaboration and the idea of sticking to one’s expertise. When he heard that we already have a number of aftercare programs in the area, whose competencies lie in counseling, trauma recovery, and survivor reintegration, he quickly started to re-evaluate his plan and think about how to build a business that supports pre-existing organizations.

He was also told by a number of people that sit-down, higher-end cafés are already saturated in Phnom Penh, but when he visited a centrally located gas station / coffee hub, and saw a long line of customers waiting for coffee at 8:00 a.m., he knew this model could be successful in other key areas of the city. 

They also recognized that Cambodia has the largest number of NGOs of almost any country in the world and prefers to join the cause as a socially minded business, rather than an NGO doing business. One of their top priorities is financial sustainability and they want to  use their business principals to prepare young survivors for integration into mainstream economic activity.

This new social business idea is still in its nascent stages, but what I loved about meeting these two visionaries was their flexibility and willingness to learn in a new environment. They are excellent at what they do in Australia, but recognizing that they need to adapt their model, marketing, and strategic plan to accommodate the needs of both the Cambodian market and survivors, makes this business a compelling site for innovation, cultural adaptation and success. 

This is the type of collaboration and open-mindedness we need in order to create effective change and to equip Cambodian people with the essential tools needed for success. 

The Butterfly Project: How We Began and Some Thoughts About 'Trust' and 'Disclosure'.......

A number of Chab Dai aftercare organizations in Cambodia expressed their desire to understand more about the long-term impacts of their programs on victims/survivors of sexual exploitation and trafficking. At this time, no one organization had the capacity to conduct long-term follow up on their clients leaving their programs. Hence, the idea of a cooperative effort began to grow. The Butterfly Project is the first longitudinal re-integration research study that seeks to follow a group of sexually exploited/trafficked youth and adults over a ten year period. We started in 2010 and we are now in year five of our journey.

The core objectives of the Butterfly research are two-fold.  The first objective is to hear the ‘voice’ of victims/survivors who have (re-) integrated out of aftercare and community programs, and through their ‘voice’ they can inform the practitioner community in Cambodia. The second objective is to disseminate our findings and lessons learned amongst mixed audiences of other practitioners, policy makers and academics within the wider region and global community.

The Butterfly project is like any other study in that participation is voluntary. A participant has the right to drop out at any time. Yet, when the point of the study is to follow a group of the same people over a period of time, then attrition or dropping out is an issue. We anticipated this challenge from the beginning and, at five years, we are still in contact with the majority of our 128 participants. Aside from working hard to maintain the database on our participants’ most current whereabouts, we believe the primary reason they voluntarily remain in our study is because they trust us (the research team).

Essentially, every participant in our study has experienced some degree of sexual trauma, and a number of studies suggest that severe trauma exposure results in and is associated with negative impacts on memory. We sense this may be true for some of our participants, as year to year their answers vary and even contradict what they have said previously. We also find participants’ varying emotional states, their family dynamics, their relationships and their financial securities are all matters which affect how they respond at any given interview. Many of our older participants are in violent and abusive relationships whilst younger participants often describe difficulties with their peers. Others work in dangerous work contexts, and most are struggling to meet their economic needs.

Most of our participants live with feeling stigmatized for their past experiences of sexual exploitation and so most live with many secrets. We have found that as each year progresses, increasing numbers of participants are telling us they trust us enough to disclose more of their stories. They express how therapeutic it feels to share their feelings and experiences with our team.

Many have also told us they continue in the study because they feel valued as individuals and not just subjects in a research project. They state that they feel respected, appreciated and honored because we ask them about their lives and their opinions. In addition, a number of them have stated that they appreciate the opportunity to express their ‘voice’ because they hope their insights and experiences will help others in similar circumstance.

Our team feels each participant is unique. We are thankful they trust us enough and are willing to express their ‘voice.’  It is such a privilege to journey along with them, and we hope through their stories they feel empowered and that their voice will empower future generations.

If you would like any of our annual reports and themed papers please visit the Chab Dai website

www.chabdai.org

Siobhan Miles, Butterfly manager

"It's Better When We're Together"

By Kristina Novak

I have always admired the dedication and focus of people willing to put aside small differences and be ready to connect with others to increase the quality and impact of their work. Margaret Mead, a great anthropologist and social reformer, understood well, the power of dedicated individuals working together for a common purpose.

“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has.”

Now imagine that there is not one but many groups of dedicated individuals - each person is different, yet working together for a common goal.  What happens when such a coalition forms? The impact increases, lessons are shared, accountability grows and gaps are filled with the various skill sets.

This is the case for Chab Dai. In Khmer, the name literally means “joining of hands” and that’s what it really is -  a set of connected organizations that vary in expertise and have one common purpose - to fight human trafficking and exploitation. I love witnessing how this ethos results in providing better protection from exploitation and care for survivors.

One of the ways Chab Dai facilitates better connectivity between its members is through various forums such as Child Protection, Aftercare and our Social Work forum. The day is usually spent in sharing lessons learned and looking at best practices and challenges that may lay ahead as well as create space for the forming of new partnerships.  

When it comes to collaboration, there is one forum that I really appreciate right now, which is our Outreach Forum. The Chab Dai members that work in direct outreach to the vulnerable and exploited children, women, men and the transgender community here in Cambodia (altogether 44 participants from 17 organizations), spent a day sharing their work and learning from each other’s field experience.

Collaboration was unfolding right in front of my eyes. As I was taking notes of the meeting and hearing stories from the field, I could not help but admire each individual’s hard work and dedication to serving and protecting our most vulnerable. Their dedication is mirrored by the long hours they invest in their field and by the their resilience and faith they hold for those they help. All of this came across in the presentations they shared.

But there was something else that gave the meeting its energy and focus. It was this unfolding of collaboration. With such a variety of organizations that Chab Dai coalition encompasses - even just within its outreach field - the mutually beneficial lessons, skills and resources of the forum members were quickly recognized. Participants presented on their programs, including their outreach on the streets and in entertainment establishments, running day centres, dorm houses and health clinics, and providing education and employment training. 
Q & A sessions followed each presentation which fostered dialogue on the conceptualization of collaboration for their projects. 

Alongside the building of partnerships, a short training was provided by a member organization on legal issues surrounding outreach and work with vulnerable populations. Such knowledge is essential for protection of outreach workers as well as for educating clients on their own rights in Cambodian law. 

Apart from the presentations, participants engaged in a “Service Mapping” exercise by marking out the geographical areas of their outreach on maps of Phnom Penh and Cambodia. They also used colour coded papers to show data about their services:  Orange indicated "Who For?" (client group), Pink - "Where?" (The establishment), Green answered the "What?" (services and programs), and Yellow indicated "When?" (Night or day). On its completion, the final product had a clear visual of the existing services and mapped out areas of possible collaboration.

It is truly inspiring to see the manifold impact a simple connection can have.  After all, as a line from one song goes, “it’s better when we’re together.” The Outreach Forum organized by Chab Dai was one such space where, even as the forum was progressing, new partnerships formed and the lessons shared were turned into action strategies. I call that a time well spent. Together.